In My Dreams

You see there were days in which I would side-eye the razor blade wondering what would transpire if I forced the end. I would pick it up. Press it against my skin. Just enough pressure where one false move would cause a spill. I never got that far. Always pulling myself back. At that moment I would just take another shot of whatever alcohol I could manage. I’d listen to whatever ballad resonated with me. Sometimes I felt like I “Would’ve Been The One.” Often times it’s like I’m on the “Wrong Side Of A Love Song.” I could even hear you whisper how we would be till the “End Of Time.” Then suddenly I remember it’s very Demi Lovato about the situation: “In Real Life.” Yet despite my proclamation of not willing to settle, I find myself laying on my back gazing at the ceiling; tears slowly rolling and my emotions just too deep even for me to want to comfort. So it’s much easier to smile. Push the thoughts of what could’ve been deep inside. Pretending to be brave when really there’s a brokenhearted kid yearning for love. So I wander. Solo. Taking myself by the hand and trying my best to enjoy the excitement of the world. Just when I was ready to give up, when all hope I felt was lost, in the unlikely of places your sparkling eyes showed up. It was refreshing. The kind of thing you see in a movie. The moment when I could accurately say I’ve been waiting for you. No silly… not at the door. Well in a since the door to my soul was waiting to be unlocked. It’s that rush of butterflies I craved: those unexpected dates. Late nights on the phone knowing damn well we have to go to work. There are sacrifices you make in the pursuit of love and I’ve been waiting for years to finally meet you: the one who I wouldn’t have to beg to be number one. The one who could indeed show, not speak, that chivalry is not lost. Individuality can still be intact while still being a counterpart. I could merely be free and that’s truly why this caged bird singed. Waiting never produced such a reward so I’m glad I decided to bare the storm and waited for the brighter skies in which I call you.

Wishfully thinking,

For a moment like this

  • Alex N. Wanderland