“I later concluded that the ability to have things materialistically provided for you is NOT always an indication of how much someone cares about you. Sometimes it’s an indication of how someone can find a way to control you.”
- Alex N. Wanderland
I recall quite a few occasions where the circle was created and ended only to be created once again. I often would wonder why? After, almost immediately, I would reason with my spirit that sometimes you have to experiment to discover the conclusion. So I did: experiment. Allowing myself to interact romantically with someone, sometimes against my gut feeling mind you. There were times it was peer pressure. “He/She is a really nice person. You should give it a chance.” Over and over the cycles of our dynamic began and ended. For the longest I never understood was it me? Could it be them?
I’m sure some of us can relate to such situations. Not necessarily being able to pinpoint the thing(s) that attract two individuals energy together. Wondering how those around you can find the “love of their life” and you’re left kissing frogs to find a Prince or soliciting those who fit the bill to try on the left behind glass slipper of your former Cinderella (or Cinderfella). Maybe you’ve been left with unresolved emotions or answers? Enduring countless nights of self-created nightmares of not being and incapable of being “good enough.” Yeah. I can totally relate. Some may say I stopped giving a fuck and became too picky. I call it self-growth, evolution if you will, into a stronger form.
I revisited just about all my so-called “relationships” and would replay them to see IF I would do anything differently. The irony is that if I could time travel and tell myself NOT to do something, most of those “relationships” would be non-existent. Not because the individual was terrible, broke my heart, cheated, lied etc but because I felt like some of those “relationships” altered my path. What can you do though? It happened. You live and you learn right? That’s what I decided to do: pick up the stories of the old and learn so I could have the knowledge to do things differently for future romantic encounters.
I also started to really analyze why certain words would be “assigned” to me: heartbreaker, maneater, player, intimidating, bitch, asshole, jerk… just to name a few. Yes there were times we I either was actually being such or could be closely correlated with being such. I do however wholeheartedly disagree with being a player. TRUST ME I’ve had PLENTY of chances to play people and I just honestly don’t get any satisfaction of doing so. Sure the gifts, money, attention is nice but what happens after that?
I remember one particular individual (who was actually my first boyfriend) would buy me quite a bit of things: pretty much anything I wanted. It was my first boyfriend so I was SO excited to not only have a boyfriend but one that (at the time) I felt was treating me right. SO WRONG. I later concluded that the ability to have things materialistically provided for you is NOT always an indication of how much someone cares about you. Sometimes it’s an indication of how someone can find a way to control you. He “loved” buying things for me and when he didn’t get what he wanted (Also Known As throwing a bitch fit) he would literally ask me to give the items back. It got to a point where I eventually broke up with him. Oh…. I did NOT give anything back either. Who does that? NOTHING he GAVE ME would fit him. What was the point?
Speaking of points, I know this is getting long, so let me say this: no matter what you’ve been through or currently are going through romantically (or lack-thereof) sometimes heartache can be the most triumphant experience to have. I’m by no means saying the devastation can’t be real. There was a point I was totally lost when my heart got broken. I slowly pulled myself from the ashes and began to get back to my normal self. I stopped caring who would think what about me. At the end of the day: this is MY life. This is YOUR life. This is YOUR HEART. YOUR love to allow someone the honor of sharing it with. That’s a HUGE DEAL! I don’t see ANYTHING wrong with being as free or protective of your heart as you see fit. NEVER allow someone to put you in a situation you ALREADY have a bad vibe from before it even begins. NEVER be afraid to end something because your heart beats no more for it. IF it’s truly worth fixing definitely try to do that but if you WHOLEHEARTEDLY have packed your bag, checked out, and waiting for an Uber to arrive, than end it. Don’t worry about hurting someone’s feelings because if that person is anything like me, they’ll think of you as a saver (in an odd kind of way). Yes some of the people I have dated and/or been in a relationship with have either royally fucked up or circumstances just weren’t right. However I learned something from each and everyone of them. I’m not only capable of loving but capable of being loved. So are you. Never forget that even in the loneliest of nights. Everyone has a different journey arriving to various destinations at different times. If you haven’t arrived to that destination yet, don’t worry. Just continue to enjoy the ride while evolving along the way for Mister or Misses “Right…. FOR YOU!”
- Alex N. Wanderland