Uncertain Doors

I had all intentions on washing my face, tidying up a bit, and doing some studying. Of course things don’t always go as planned. My mom called. Always a delight to hear from her especially at this point in life that we’re both at (more details later). She was venting to me, as we all do with someone we confide in. I learned a lot of new things about mom. Very candid. As she was venting I did however notice a few things: A LOT of excuses. There was a lot of excuses being made about not only the relationships with others but also regarding matters that continue to go unresolved. I was more-so particularly concerned with the amount of energy we were dedicating to these faulty relationships. I listened. I also gave my opinion.

As an individual whom deeply sympathizes with clinging to relationships you KNOW are toxic, I know how it can be especially when you’re someone with a background of abandonment. My mom has been through a lot. I have been through a lot. I stopped dwelling on why certain dynamics do not work. I stopped blaming myself and allowing others to place the sole blame on me as if I am this horrible person. I grew to become even more resilient and self-suffient. Which is a good and bad thing. It’s certainly good that I am able to take care of myself, but it has became quite easy to dismiss things that I absolutely do not care for and will not care for.

As a person who works two jobs, is in school, takes care of a sick parent from afar, has VERY few TRUE friends: I know when the darkness falls and stars illuminate the sky, thoughts of emptiness, loneliness, unworthiness, and a host of other negative emotions, can flood the mind. You, or shall I say I, use to spend so many nights being that person. Wondering how I could be a better individual to keep people around. Keep in mind we are NOT talking about the people that will do anything for you. We are talking about the people you desperately want something to flourish with and it is just NOT going to happen. So in my Regina George voice from Mean Girls: STOP TRYING TO MAKE TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS HAPPEN! Stop allowing the uncertain doors of others continue to open and close in your world. You, YES YOU, hold the keys to opening and closing the doors of your personal life to anyone you wish to allow or DISALLOW access to. You set the tone for how others can treat you.

Granted, we all, well most of us, have been bamboozled before. There’s that one or two individuals who are GOOD: I mean brilliant at “the craft.” They’ll do EVERYTHING to make it APPEAR as if they’re in your corner then they simply swoop in when you least expect it and shatter your world as much as possible. This is fine. I’m not saying it’s right and I’m certainly not saying it’s easy picking up the pieces someone else created. I can’t say you can totally prevent it but you can become good at picking up others energy. You CAN trust yourself a bit more. What is more important is that we learn to stop blaming ourselves for negativity and blatant disregard to others emotions, that others have and bestow. That does not mean you’re a horrible person. Maybe they’re horrible?!

This is by no means a proclamation to be a total asshole to anyone. This is merely affirmation that if you continue to output positivity into the universe you deserve to protect your positivity. You deserve to have people around you that will uplift, inspire, motivate, and celebrate you. ALL OF YOU. You should not have to dedicate time wondering why someone does not appreciate, listen, or care about aspects and/or all of you. This is your affirmation that if you’ve TRIED: wholeheartedly tried to create a safe space for a healthy relationship to flourish and you have been blatantly disregarded and/or made aware that your thoughts and being don’t matter: TAKE IT FOR IT IS! Wish them well (I mean if you are not being pity at the moment) and simply move on. There WILL be individuals to give you all the things you give them. Focus on THOSE people. DO NOT worry about the people that do not click with you or end up being disassembled. Remember, everything generally happens for a reason. Some people are NOT meant to be in your world. That is PERFECTLY fine.

  • Alex N Wanderland