Circus

Another day, another hidden face. Covered by this mask, covering the past, possibly even the present. So much uncertainty regarding the not so distant future. Relationships. Friendships. LIFE. Your life. A place where your insides don’t match your outside. Robotic. Monotonous. Yet few know due to laughter and smiles faked throughout the shows. After all, you were built to perform on the grandest of stages and in front of anyone who may need you. Brother. Sister. Cousin. Mother. Father. Friend. Boyfriend. Girlfriend. Husband. Wife. You perform for them because no one cares how you really feel. Voiced opinions are looked at as aggression. Yet when you do not say anything it’s still a problem. You’re being passive aggressive, unable to have civilized conversation regarding different outlooks on the matter. Why on Earth did you think it was okay to be anything other than happy? It’s rather odd when you think about it. Storing all this anguish and still always trying to perform at your absolute best. What will people think of you being a failure? Missing the counts and stumbling over your own troubles. Burdened with the knowledge that no one will ever be reciprocal. They need you, not your problems. Not your struggles. Your fears.  Save your tears and mood swings for after the show. When everyone is gone. You’re only here to assist them in whatever they deem desirable. Advice. Counsel. An ear. Favors.  Money. Sex. Words of encouragement. And when you show up and show out, known for the marvel you can bring, they applaud. Sometimes standing ovations. Before you can voice your thoughts, they leave. Buying tickets only when they need you. The curtain closes, the lights dim, you turn with sadness to head back to your lonesome desolate area of solitude. Exhausted yet pleased that you could wow the crowd. Maybe next time they come they can listen to your problems. Or maybe you need to realize that you could run away from the circus and cease to entertain those people who take you for granted. The trick was definitely on you. They masqueraded and played in your face like you are the fool. Not exhausted from entertaining but from individuals playing in your face. Yes you’re hurt. Upset. Disappointed that no matter how much you were taught to see the good in people and to give what you would like in return, you CONSTANTLY get the shit end of the stick. The diarrhea type of shit. The shit that stinks up the whole fucking bathroom and surrounding rooms. You try to express yourself to uninterested ears so what else can you do but take your act elsewhere? Away from this circus of unappreciative people. Away to a place where you don’t have to hide your fears and opinions and not have someone turn their back on you. I think you need to live for you. You’ve certainly grown too much for such a circus. Close the curtain for good on those who you deem incapable of giving all that you give.

  • Alex N. Wanderland