I noticed at one point when the toxic was removed and repairs proceeded, I felt even more depleted. Emotionally. Spiritually. Conflicted with this desire to be held and anger that the one who said I could fall and be caught abandoned all safety protocols. I knew my curiosity would eventually get the best of me. I should’ve listened to what the streets were telling me. I disregarded my intuition and decided to be hopelessly enchanted by the whispers of nothing more than empty promises. So here I am: acknowledging the dangers I danced with and grateful to have lived through them. Lustful escapades. Threesomes. Homelessness. Fabrications of secret service. All of which are quite comically when you finally get over it. When you experience the rebirth. The moment you no longer punish yourself for trusting, falling, and being totally consumed by the energy of another. It’s not uncommon. Heartbreak songs fill the room as heartbreak movies play on mute. Divorce Court. Snapped. Cheaters. Jerry Springer. Maury. Nope. I’m definitely not the only fool to accept the sometimes unappreciated gift of love: wrapped in all the things we want to hear and long for. You have to give some people their props. How is it that they possessed such a gift to bend your mind, body, and heart to melt at the gaze of their eyes, tone of voice, and warmth of touch? Or is it that we create such illusions we ourselves get lost in: these fairy-tale inspired mirages of who we should end up with. Taking pride in our worth that we deserve the best unconditional love. Turning suitor after suitor down in hopes of catching THE ONE. And just when you have “THE ONE” he turns out to be THE WORST. Even with failed attempts to teleport fairy-tale depictions into a vision of flesh in front of us, hope is not lost. Gateways are only established. Failure is the ultimate teacher if you pay attention. Analyzing not only anomalies of others but also yourself as it correlates to your standards. Speaking of standards, analyze those too. Yes, there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting the value of your worth but are you one-hundred percent truthful in determining said value? Do you give yourself brownie points for being more cute, buff bodied, or smart than what you assume the average is? Love can be a journey: arrival to your own determined destination should not be compared to others. Some people marry younger, others later on in life, some not at all. YOU do hold power to accept or decline anything you deem unacceptable to share your heart, mind, soul, and energy. If things happen to fail, that is no indication that you’re a terrible person or in some cases the individual in which failure took part is terrible either. Some dynamics between individuals just do not work out. Just don’t forget about the gateway: the space in which allows you to casually look back (if need be) at transgressions and areas of improvement and the present, as well as projections of what is to come. I’m personally a firm believer in what you put out in the universe, you get back. When you feel unworthy of unconditional, last breathe, love it may not materialize. Conversely when you expect to be handed the ultimate “supreme being” you may set yourself up for constant disappointment by not acknowledging imperfections in people. Personally the best lesson I’ve learned was understanding that no one is perfect and they do not need to be. I’ve also learned that it’s okay to deem things unacceptable. Ultimately if you aren’t happy with visions of the past why continue to be in situations that closely correlate to the circumstances that caused previous unhappiness? Let’s move on. Let’s live now. Let’s emancipate ourselves from doubts of not being worthy and project energy that suggests otherwise. Your significant other may not show up tomorrow but if you believe in that sort of thing, love, I feel it will transpire when you least expect it. At least it did for me.
- Alex N. Wanderland