From Single Lust to Finding Love

The Back Story 

I unapologetically can say that while I was not totally out there in my single life, I certainly was not a saint. After my engagement (to the man I thought was the person I was going to end my world with) failed scandalously tragic, I was left not only without a love but lost pieces of myself. I NEEDED to be reborn. As I can shamelessly say: “the best way to get over an old one, is to get under a new one.” Particularly in such a scenario of, lets say, your man cheating on you multiple times with individuals and groups. I have occasionally suffered the human doubts of ones appearance so experiencing such an event to that magnitude totally left me questioning “how desirable am I?” That was a question that beaconed several times in the corner of my mind and I couldn’t help but to be drawn to it.

I was in a NEW CITY where VERY LITTLE people actually knew me. I’m confident enough to say I’m no troll but I’m no walking demigod either. I KNOW how it is to be “new meat” and this was officially the first time I had become available on THIS market. Let’s just say, I was P-O-P-P-I-N! I’ve always been one for conversation so it’s not shocking for me to converse with several individuals EVEN after concluding that anything in a physical sense (rather merely speaking in person or more) would not transpire. I utilized digital outlets primarily, such as online and dating apps. I even actually went on my first official date (surprisingly for me). We went to dinner then the movies. No sex. It was actually my first hope that I could fall in love again. Even despite being nearly destroyed by my ex, I managed to find the light in such a dark place of my life.



Cut to

When it comes to an individual’s previous romantic and/or sexual experience we either highly consider them as grounds for dismal of a potential mate, continue to further the dynamic but criticize their previous experience(s), or gossip to others about said individuals experience(s)? It perplexes me how an individual will have a previous experience with another, which in turn is no longer functional, yet continue to speak and dwell on said experience in a negative manner. Why would you possibly care about what a person (whom you claim is/was toxic for you) is doing? Particularly when the interaction was not recent (a year or less).

I have grown to be an individual who acknowledges situations, analyzes areas of opportunity, and celebrates positive moments. I will only bring up a particular romantic experience as it pertains to a topic only to give insight into my character as a seed to plant for growth between myself and another. Otherwise those experiences are merely those experiences: done and over, in the past. That’s not to sound malicious or disheartening. I truly have and do wish everyone the best out of their life. I’m aware that no matter how much you want something to last or happen, that’s not always going to be the case. I just feel a disservice to myself by not evolving from those dark moments and dwelling on them. For me, there is no growth in dwelling. It does not allow the opportunity to experience the potential wonders of myself or others. Letting go allows the opportunity for a better version of yourself to be brought fourth.



What Exactly Are You Suppose To Do As a Single?

I’m aware that individuals can be extremely conservative, extremely liberal, and a spectrum in between. When it comes to the “Book Of Single Life” I’m not quite sure it even popped up on my radar. Probably because nothing of the sort would. I’ve always tried to stay away from “templates” when it did not directly pertain to most of my creative crafts. It feels burdening to my being. Shackles. I like to be as free as my being allows me to be in at any given moment. Many individuals, likely absorbed dated societal views, when it not only comes to the single life, but sex in general. There’s this spectrum of individuals that say you shouldn’t have sex until you’re married, to a little sex never hurt nobody as long as you’re safe, to “throw that ass in a circle” on anything walking. (I’m not judging). For me, single life should be about unapologetic and nonjudgemental exploration, self-discovery, emancipation, and self-love.

As it pertains to sex, if someone is single (or even if they’re not) if you’re not having sex with them, frankly nothing they do should be your concern. As long as no one is in danger, why should we judge what others do sexually? We as people often times unconsciously have a habit concluding without ALL the facts. You may often times never know someones situation. I generally have always tried to operate on principal of “if it’s not my thing it’s not my thing, but I don’t knock others for what may be their thing.”



Single For Love

While single, I do not look for love until I feel I’m capable of fully giving myself to another person. I feel it’s redundant and a waste of time to allow myself to knowingly date or “commit” to someone and I have no desire to uninhibitedly let go and let them in. When I do finally reach that point, I still do not particularly look to dating and love opportunities but rather remain open to it. I started doing this some years ago as I found regarding myself it allows for more organic experiences without the pressures of expectations.

I do believe it’s healthy to be curious and possibly inquire with someone of interest about their previous romantic and/or sexual experiences. Such knowledge can have personally benefits such as knowing if capability is potential. However, I would not advise inquiring about others unless closely personal with that individual. Inadvertently “talking” about who someone may have had previous interactions with can bring negative energy say if that person was now in a new relationship.




I’m always an advocate for doing what makes you happy. Be unorthodox. Be unapologetic. Explore as much of yourself as you possibly can. Forget about what society or anyone thinks. Emancipate yourself. Be beautifully unperfect. Allowing yourself to be open to growth is not disallowing the opportunity for love. Broken hearts will beat stronger, open further, and love once more.

  • Alex N. Wanderland