Distorted Love

I think about every little thing when it comes to you: the way you move, what may or may not upset you. How I can protect you even when I’m not around. How I can contribute to your already awesome persona. How I can hold you to make it appear as if the sky is no longer falling down. Yet, no one thinks about the little things when it comes to me. Everyone feels as though I’m suppose to save the day. I’m suppose to be the brain: the one to figure everything out. From picking dinner, to conserving resources, to financial planning, to operating academia. People always seem to throw my “expectations” in my face. No matter how much I communicate, it always fails. Communication is the key… more like the nail in the coffin of our now deceased relationship.

I’m exasperated: with people having such small minds. Incapable of thinking beyond the present moment in time. When you tell them you’ll literally do anything and everything for them, only to have them say “they mine as well do it themselves” when you roll your eyes at the simple fact that they are disorganized. So do it by yourself. Love yourself. Fuck yourself. Drive yourself around. Shop for whatever YOU LIKE! I’m taking my love back and I doubt I’ll give it away to anyone again. It’s frivolous. Useless, to allow someone into your world only for them to turn around and say they can do it on their own.

I can do it on my own too. I wasn’t looking for a relationship before you dropped into my world unannounced. With that sweet smile and unbelievable facial structure. Yet when I realized that my soul started to become depleted, constantly feeling defeated, I knew there were a million of you. I don’t even want a replacement. I just want to be left alone. To continue to excel like I’ve been doing before you decided to shake up my world. Time may be lost and never able to be retrieved, but the lesson in the story will always prominent until my last breath. Even if that breath is alone, dying a horrible death. I rather that than to be with someone who could careless about my emotions, prospective, and voice.

I can live without anyone who feels they can do it on their own. I can live without anyone who feels I’m invaluable. I can live without anyone who doesn’t appreciate the unsolicited lengths I go to just to be the “perfect one:” just to be the one and FIRST dude you can bring home to mom and pop. I can live without anyone who constantly disregards my voice.

I’m bright. Intelligent. Work ethic beyond bananas. Sexy. Sweet. Charming. Resilient. Indomitable. Demanding. Among a slew of other things. One thing I’ve learned is that my happiness or value doesn’t come from another. I’ve done this on my own as well,  for YEARS BEFORE YOU, so I know I will survive. This isn’t the first failed attempt at love. This isn’t the first time a projected future with another was sliced down to a solo mission. I don’t need a love that doesn’t come close to the one I’ve dreamt of. Possibly, closing this chapter will bring forth the visions I’ve never been able to experience and capture. The evolution of me continues, loveless and alone. Yet I have no doubt, I’ll emerge stronger and wiser than before.

  • Alex N. Wanderland

 

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