Scattered Showers

I’m all over the place. So many thoughts I can’t think straight. Too many desires that are suppressed desperately yearning to be released and explored. Yet I hold myself back. I’ve always held myself back. Too busy calculating the probability that the negative will overshadow the positive. Wondering if I’ll live up to the hype that I didn’t even create. I just want to be ME! I’ve always wanted to be free. Unapologetic. No fucks given. Slap a bitch NOT EVEN a second after they talk slick. But I can never unwind and just let my invisible near floor length hair sway in a breeze of carelessness.

There’s always these thoughts.

Swirling, no, tumbling – next level gymnastics in my mind. Exhausting the physical shell that encases so many buried truths of anguish. Yet, until I can no longer withstand staring at the ceiling in darkness, these thoughts continue to bend the laws of quantum physics. What can you do though: when your lost within yourself? A prisoner of the very things you voiced you’d never become? The dark side of the moon with no sight of the sun. The dreams turned nightmare without the ability to wake up.

It’s the thoughts that can sometimes spawn doubt. A spiral of self-dissection with no anesthesia to numb the pain. Inch by inch you claw into yourself until there is a desirable end: rather negative or positive. Time, in this space, doesn’t obey the normal laws. Within yourself there is no clock ticking, reminding you of priorities, because finding yourself is a timeless journey.

– Alex N Wanderland

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